If he specifically asks for my https://ecosoberhouse.com/ opinion, which he doesn’t, I will give it. Living Amends is a positive way to display to others and to prove to yourself that you have evolved from the person that you used to be. Living amends is a promise to yourself that you have made a genuine lifestyle change. This is a marked end to the destructive patterns that you have been living with and a beacon for change and prosperity. There are many profound differences between giving someone an apology and making amends with them.
- Rushing into the process without fully understanding the harm caused or without being emotionally and mentally ready can lead to even more hurt—for both you and the person you’re trying to make amends with.
- Successfully approaching and accomplishing step nine requires the alcoholic in recovery to be willing to go to any lengths to make amends to those individuals whom they have harmed in the past.
- And, of course, you have to follow up the sincere apology with real solutions; ways to make things right and show that you are committed to change.
- In these cases, you can make indirect amends—doing something positive to honor the person or situation.
- For example, if we hurt people with our lying and we cannot make amends without further injuring them, we would make living amends by making a decision to behave and communicate with complete honesty.
- We may even start to think of our past as a gold mine of experiences to share with other people we’re trying to help in recovery, instead of as a period of darkness that we regret.
For The Family
That would be whenever you believe making direct amends will cause even more damage. Before Step 9, one completes the Step 8 inventory, listing people they’ve harmed and developing a willingness to make amends. Some people on this list may be harder to approach, so readiness is key.
Treatment Facilities
However, it is equally designed for the people in your life now and in the future. By facing the consequences of our previous actions, we become more aware of the terrible cost of our behavior. This will make us less likely to take equally destructive actions in the future. Working the steps has likely made you a Alcoholics Anonymous less selfish and self-centered individual. More often than not, step nine will be painful, but also equally freeing.
What support systems are available for making amends?
When he runs out of clean clothes, I don’t lecture or offer solutions. I let him decide if he wants to do laundry at midnight or wear dirty clothes. I no longer interrogate him about his day at school, so I can give my wise advice on how to handle difficult peers. I’m not his teacher, and I’m sure she’s skilled at handling that type of problem.
Guilt and Grief: Making A Living Amends
Our sponsors can help us explore each of these concepts so that we gain perspective on the nature of our specific amends and stay focused on what we’re supposed to be doing. The key is that we keep the focus on ourselves and our “side of the street,” so to speak. Resolution as recovering addicts, means we likely have past experiences that plague us or disturb us in some way. Finding a resolution to these problems means coming up with answers and solutions and laying them to rest. Restoration means bringing something back to its former state, usually things that have been damaged.
By addressing the past head-on, you create space for healing and personal growth, which are essential for long-term recovery. When someone struggles with addiction, their actions often hurt the people around them—family, friends, coworkers, and even themselves. Broken trust, damaged relationships, and unresolved guilt can weigh heavily, even after getting sober.
- Either way, you know you’ve hurt a random stranger and would like to make amends now that you’re sober.
- As you go further, you’ll start adding coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances, and even random strangers.
- It fosters complete honesty and allows for healing, both for the person making amends and those affected by their wrongdoing.
- You have to be honest with yourself about whether you have a valid reason to opt out of direct amends.
- I’m not his teacher, and I’m sure she’s skilled at handling that type of problem.
Steps 8 and 9 in the 12-step programs talk about “making a list of all persons we had harmed” in step 8, and “making direct amends, wherever possible” in step 9. Sponsors who have worked through these steps and have maintained abstinence for many years are just as puzzled and confused about what constitutes “amends.” Often, the term amends in recovery comes from following a 12-step program. Specifically, steps 8 and 9 deal directly with the amends process of acknowledging those you have hurt, harmed, or wronged as a result of your substance use disorder. An important element of step nine is that those in recovery have already begun making amends to themselves by changing some of their behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs. The goal of this step is to find freedom by cleaning up the past to live peacefully in the present.
Living Amends as an Alternative Approach to Step Nine
- You will most likely hear the term “living amends” from your sponsor or peers during your recovery.
- Sometimes, a simple and sincere acknowledgment of your wrongdoings is enough.
- Step 9 is about restoring peace through self-forgiveness, forgiving others, and making amends, which is essential to recovery.
- As the holiday season is underway, now can be a good time to make intentional choices to make amends with the people who matter most in your life.
- Ninety percent of the time, I keep my mouth shut, but I am my son’s mother.
Although, you’ll have to find a different way to do so and in a way that makes a lasting impact on you and the people you love who are still here. Making amends is important because it allows us to right the wrongs of our past. … However, the real focus of this part of our recovery process is to bring healing and freedom into the lives of those we have harmed. This process is not focused on seeking forgiveness but rather on taking responsibility for our past actions.
These actions demonstrate a new way of living and help develop accountability, paving the way for Step 10, where amends are made immediately upon realizing harm. However, living amends these promises are usually the result of deep feelings of shame, guilt, and regret and may not be genuine for some. Many times, these kinds of promises serve to alleviate the wrongdoer’s guilt and so that they can say they apologized before their loved one died. With these kinds of promises, there may not be enough genuine intention of changing their hurtful patterns and behaviors.